Confession #3: I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

Oh hey. I’m sure by now you’ve forgotten all about me and my silly little blog, just hiding over here in our corner of the internet. Sorry about just disappearing like that. Evidently this rut I’ve fallen into is both all-encompassing and bottomless.

Not only have I not been writing for the past few months, I’ve only just barely been running (like, twice a week at most), I can’t remember the last time I climbed without looking it up (November maybe?), it’s been far too cold to get myself psyched to get out on my snowboard (I used to LOVE the cold, what happened to me?), and I haven’t even looked at my bike since October (this one isn’t actually too out-of-the-ordinary for me…I don’t ride outside in the winter, and I can’t stand how loud our indoor trainer is). Not doing anything means I have nothing to write about, and not writing means I have nothing to look back at to motivate myself to get out and do (better at) things. It’s a terribly depressing cycle.

This is an eerily accurate portrayal of my life right now. Someone give this horse an Oscar.

I wish I knew how I got here. I feel like if I could figure out when this weird hate-spiral started, then I could magically fix everything. I know that I should probably just suck it up and get out there; that as soon as I do, I’ll remember how much I enjoy all of these things. But I don’t want to/shouldn’t have to “force” it.

I want to get out and run because I actually feel like running.

Screen shot 2014-01-26 at 10.26.57 AM
I used to be a runner…even as recently as January 1st! I even somehow managed to sneak in a top-10 age group finish at this race (Lowell First Run 10k), despite the terrible form depicted here. And I don’t even look like I hated it that much. What happened?

I want to be so psyched to climb that I don’t even mind the 30-minute drive to the gym (I KNOW it’s not even that far! And I keep trying to tell myself that, but it doesn’t seem to make any difference).

There are very few things that elicit a smile this big from me:
1. Eating cupcakes
2. Puppies/kittens (baby animals of any kind, really)
3. A great day of climbing (and, in this particular case, the knowledge that the day would end at a sweet little swimming hole).

I want to be so motivated to be faster on my bike that I find the power to ignore how loud and boring the trainer is and just get on it a few times a week anyway to prepare for spring.

It would be so great if I could ride with Tim AND ACTUALLY KEEP UP (instead of making him be bored out of his mind riding so slow to stay with me).

Despite my currently overwhelming lack of motivation, I still have so many goals for this year–like finally (maybe?) running a marathon…or finishing a century ride in less than 6 hours…or actually going on a climbing vacation and spending more time climbing than complaining about how much I suck at climbing–that I know I’ll never accomplish if I don’t break out of this funk sometime soon. So if anyone has any advice on how to recover from this, I’d really, REALLY love to hear it!

As long as it’s actually something helpful…please don’t just tell me to man up. I try telling myself that every day; it’s not working.

2 thoughts on “Confession #3: I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

Add yours

  1. Put pictures up of yourself when you felt most awesome or put up pictures of other people who are doing awesome things you want to do. Put them on the bathroom mirror, inside your book as a bookmark, in your car, etc as inspiration. Good luck! PS You kicked ass snowboarding last night. Thanks for coming out in the freezing cold.


  2. If you’re running twice a week that’s 100 percent more than those who aren’t running. Don’t be so hard on yourself!


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